Fuddy the Vampire Slayer
by Eric Jablow
Summary: The most enthusiastic hunter of all seeks new prey.


This story is copyright 1999 by Eric Jablow, but don't let that  
fool you; all the named characters are property of Warner  
Brothers Movies and Television. On the other hand, parodies are  
protected by the copyright laws.  
  
Oh, and the music mentioned here appeared in very many of the  
classic WB cartoons.  
  
Merrie Melodies  
  
Music: The Merry-Go-Round Broke Down  
  
Bugs Bunny  
  
IN  
  
Fuddy the Vampire Slayer  
  
Scene: A starry night, three-quarter moon. A wooded area.  
  
Music: Powerhouse, by the Raymond Scott Quintette, adapted by  
Carl Stalling.  
  
A tall figure in a cape runs directly toward the camera. Behind  
it is a shorter man in a trenchcoat. Suddenly, a tunnel extends  
itself from the left side of the screen, stops in the center, and  
Bugs Bunny pokes his head out. The caped figure trips and falls  
into the hole.  
  
Bugs: "Hey, what's the big idea?"  
  
Cape: "Run! The Slayer!"  
  
Cape disappears down the tunnel.  
  
Bugs: "This isn't Pismo Beach! I must have made a wrong turn at  
Albuquerque."  
  
---  
  
The trenchcoated figure is in the center of the screen, holding a  
crossbow, and with a large wooden stake propped up behind his  
ear.  
  
Elmer: "Be vewwy vewwy quiet. I'm hunting vampiyas. Heh heh heh  
heh heh."  
  
Elmer raises his crossbow and fires. The bolt flies between Bugs'  
ears, just missing the top of his head; Bugs ducks back into the  
hole. Elmer runs to the hole and starts jabbing into it with a  
wooden stake.  
  
Elmer: "Die! Die fiend! Back to Hell with you!"  
  
Bugs raises himself out the hole, munching a carrot, and fingers  
the tip of the stake.  
  
Bugs: "Eh, what's up doc? And, watch where you stick that thing,  
will ya. Somebody might get hurt."  
  
Elmer: "Time to die, vamp! I'm Fuddy the Vampiya Slayuh and it's  
Vampiya Season, so die!"  
  
Bugs dodges the stake thrust, grabs Elmer's hat and pulls it down  
over his entire head, and runs off.  
  
Music: Dinner Music for a Pack of Hungry Cannibals, by the  
Raymond Scott Quintette, adapted by Carl Stalling.  
  
Bugs races through the forest while dodging occasional crossbow  
bolts from Elmer.  
  
Bugs comes to a road; he sees a sign:  
  
Welcome to Sunnydale, California  
  
Pop. 8706  
  
A bell tolls next to the sign.  
  
Pop. 8705  
  
**Toll**  
  
Pop. 8704  
  
**Toll**  
  
Pop. 8703  
  
**Toll**  
  
Pop. 8702  
  
Bugs: "Duh-yee! I really made a wrong turn at Albuquerque."  
  
A crossbow bolt nicks Bugs' tail and embeds itself in a  
tree. Bugs marches over to Elmer.  
  
Bugs: "Hey, doc! What makes you think I'm a vampire, eh?"  
  
Elmer: "Vampiyas wise fwom theya gwaves at night, and you wose  
fwom youwa gwave at night."  
  
Bugs: "My hole, a grave--why, I'll have you know I live in a  
split-level hole with three bedrooms and 2 full bathrooms."  
  
Elmer: "And vampiyas have big teeth. You have big teeth."  
  
Bugs: "Me, a vampire? Why, I could never hurt a fly."  
  
A fly buzzes around the two of them.  
  
Bugs: "Do you see that fly?"  
  
Elmer: "Yessss."  
  
Bugs tries to swat the fly away, but misses; the followthrough  
whaps Elmer in the face. Elmer turns red--steam roils from  
the top of his bald scalp. Elmer dives for Bugs, but Bugs jumps  
out of the way. Elmer chases Bugs.  
  
---  
  
Sunnydale Municipal Cemetery  
  
Bugs: "Well, if he's looking for dead guys..."  
  
Maid Service Available  
  
Bugs: "What kind of town is this anyway?"  
  
Bugs runs into the cemetery, followed by Elmer. They chase each  
other through a graveyard. Elmer trips over a headstone and lands  
on his face; his nose crunches up like an accordion.  
  
They find themselves at a double row of mausoleums; Bugs heads  
into one and slams the door. Elmer goes to it and tries to go in,  
when Bugs comes out of a different crypt behind him. This repeats  
about 8 times. Finally, Elmer goes to the crypt Bugs has just  
entered. The door is locked.  
  
Elmer: "All wight. Come out now, ow I'll bwast you out."  
  
Bugs walks through the crypt; there are stairs leading to a  
basement.  
  
Bugs: "Never seen a split-level town house for the dead before."  
  
Bugs goes down the stairs, only to find a room with a couch, a  
television, and a coffin.  
  
Bugs: "A television? Who's here to watch it?"  
  
A clattering noise comes from upstairs.  
  
Elmer (off-screen): "All wight, I got you now, foul vampiya!"  
  
Bugs: "Well, there's only one place to hide."  
  
Bugs goes to the coffin, opens it, and climbs in, nudging its  
occupant aside.  
  
Bugs: "Excuse me."  
  
Coffin Guy: "Don't mention it."  
  
Bugs: "Aiiyee!"  
  
Bugs explodes out of the coffin and jumps into Elmer's arms.  
  
Bugs: "Did you see that?"  
  
Elmer: "What?"  
  
Bugs: "Hey, put me down."  
  
Bugs climbs down. The coffin creaks, and both Bugs and Elmer race  
up the stairs and out of the crypt.  
  
---  
  
  
They make it outside and slam the door shut.  
  
Bugs: "Oh, thank you for saving me."  
  
Bugs gives Elmer a big kiss, and then pulls Elmer's hat down over  
his face again. Bugs runs off.  
  
Elmer: "I hate that vampiya."  
  
Elmer gives chase. They race up and down the hills of the  
cemetery, Elmer occasionally firing crossbow bolts at Bugs.  
Finally, Bugs hops a fence and finds himself on a city street.  
  
Bugs: "Whew, I didn't think I'd ever lose him. Well, I could use  
a drink right now."  
  
Bugs walks down the street, turns a corner, only to find Elmer  
standing in front of him, crossbow aimed at his heart.  
  
Elmer: "Say youwa pwayuhs, vamp."  
  
Bugs sinks to his knees, steeples his hands, and prays.  
  
Elmer: "Now stand up. This won't huwt a bit."  
  
Suddenly, a tall man in a blue uniform looms over Elmer.  
  
Officer: "You're under arrest!"  
  
Elmer: "But, but--"  
  
Officer: "Don't you know it's illegal to carry a loaded crossbow  
within the city limits? You're coming with me."  
  
Elmer: "But, Officuh--"  
  
Officer: "Tell it to the judge."  
  
The policeman handcuffs Elmer and drags him off. Bugs turns up  
the street.  
  
Bugs: "What a maroon. What an im-bessle."  
  
Loud music [a distorted version of A Cup of Coffee, a Sandwich,  
and You] pours from a club across the street, and Bugs heads in.  
  
Bugs finds a seat at the center of the bar.  
  
Bartender: "What would you like?"  
  
Bugs: "Carrot juice."  
  
Bartender: "Two bucks. Coming right up."  
  
The bartender pours a glass of carrot juice from a bottle, and  
hands it to Bugs. He then turns to the six people sitting to  
Bugs' left:  
  
Bartender: "Here you go: a mocha blast, a tomato juice, an iced  
tea, a double espresso, and two decafs."  
  
All: "Thanks."  
  
Bugs turns to the woman next to him.  
  
Bugs: "Can you believe this town? Some guy thought I was a  
vampire. Vampires don't exist!"  
  
Buffy: "Well, you never know what you'll find here in Sunnydale."  
  
In unison:  
Angel:  
Cordelia:  
Xander:  
Willow:  
Oz: "Hear, hear!"  
  
Bugs looks at them. Bugs looks at the mirror behind the bar. Bugs  
does a double-take, and stares at the gang.  
  
Bugs: "One, two, three, four, five, six."  
  
Bugs looks at the mirror.  
  
Bugs: "One, two, three, four, five."  
  
Bugs looks at Angel.  
  
Bugs looks at the mirror.  
  
Bugs looks at Angel.  
  
Bugs: "Bye!"  
  
Bugs turns and runs right through the door, leaving a Bugs-shaped  
hole.  
  
Bartender: "What's his problem?"  
  
All: "Tourists!"  
  
Closing credits:  
  
Porky: "Th-th-th-th-that's all folks!" 


End file.
